So I just lost a duel of sorts, in my office.?? Long story short, my roommates and I used to all work at the same law firm, but one left this summer to start law school and so we no longer work together.?? Well her old boss who loved her and misses her mentioned to me that she was going to ask her to be her [former boss’] date to our company Christmas party – and I was like, oh crap, I was going to bring her as MY date! And colleauge-aka-roomie’s-former-boss[1] said that I had a better chance of finding a real date than she did, because I was dating someone who ???sent me roses???[2] as recently as this summer, so I therefore clearly must have a better pool to fish from, so she should get to take my ex-roomie.?? So I was like, well, I hadn???t even ASKED her yet???. so I guess we have to duel for her… mind you this is all platonic and between straight females??? so anyway I hadn???t even asked her yet so former-roomie???s-boss was like I???m going to beat you to it and email her an invite since I know you???ll be able to find a date on the Internet or something and she runs off to her computer to do it.?? Mind you this is a 40-something woman RUNNING in a business suit – also I happen to know for a fact that she couldn’t compose and send an email if her LIFE depended on it she’s so techno-backwards, and also her assistant was covering the phones for the receptionist, so now that I think about it if I had emailed my roomie right away instead of blogging about it I probably could have won the duel, now couldn’t I. Well sh*t, at least that gives me a good excuse to find a real date.?? So basically it comes down to this: any takers for being my holiday party date??? I realize it???s early, but hey, can???t hurt???. and since we might as well make it a date-that-could-be-more-than-just-once, you should be tall (over 6ft, because I???m 6ft) and funny and cute and not an asshole and it???d be awesome if you weighed more than like 180 because as I like to put it, I prefer a guy who could ???take me in a street fight??? except that one time a friend of mine told me that sounds like I???m one of those chicks who???s intentionally cruisin??? for a bruisin??? or something and I???m so totally not, also I could probably fight back better than the average girly-girl because I kickbox twice a week and am kind of just badass in general, not in the butch way just in the awesome way, but my point is, most of my ex-boyfriends are scrawny and I prefer brawny, or at least ???stocky??? if nothing else.?? So, if there are any takers, email me???.. because frankly, since I keep getting flagged on Craigslist, something tells me that option ain???t gonna work this year.?? Anyway, so I think it’s December 10th or something, I’ll have to get back to y’all imaginary readers on that… woo, thinking about Christmas before it’s even Turkey Day is crazy! Feliz Navidad (it???s early but don???t you freaking LOVE that song??? I do ??? un prospero a??o y felicidad???. I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas???. From the bottom of my heeeeeaaaaart! Yeah!)?? OOOH and by the way, we’re going to have ACTUAL turkey day this year because my crazy hippie raw-food-eating-parents are being flexible and NORMAL since they’re hosting Thanksgiving at their house, so I???m going to have to help cook because I think they???ve forgotten how??? one of these days I???ll devote an entire blog entry to the crazy sh*t my crazy parents have cooked up (oh just kidding! Chopped up, no cooking!) over the years ??? but for now, I must work.
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[1] I realize this would be waaaaay easier with real names, but something tells me the characters in my life don???t want to be unknowingly revealed in Blogland ??? also, it feels unfair and devious since I haven???t even shown anyone I know my blog, except this one girl who I told to keep it a secret. Ssh!
[2] Actually they were calla lilies, my favorite, and shut up if you???re going to tell me about how they???re the flower of death so I must be some sort of morbid necrophiliac, I just think they???re pretty, and I like that Salvador Dal?? thought they were the ultimate phallic symbol, because come on, it???s a FLOWER!?? And Georgia O???Keefe could take him in a streetfight any day.?? But I still love my man Dal??, like some people love their JC ??? I think I need a bracelet that says ???WWSDD???? Aka What would Salvador Dal?? do? OH that reminds me, when I was like ten, this was my favorite joke:
Q:?? How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:?? Two; one to hold down the giraffe while the other stacks the bathtub full of brightly colored telephones.
I realize it???s not actually that funny, but come on, I was ten.?? And actually in hindsight it???s interesting that I was into surrealism, even if only in lightbulb-joke form, at such a young age, because that???s waaay before I discovered actual surrealism in real life.?? Go figure.